FanGirls Mission Impossible: Escape
by Thunder S Silence
Summary: Youko and Kuronue have been on the run from the single most frightening existance in the universe - fan-girls. After years of traveling, their desperate attempts have driven them to the one place they swore they would never go: Fast-Food Restaurants.
1. Chapter 1

Title:

Fan-Girls – Mission Impossible: Escape

Episode One – The Beginning

They laughed together, the placid fox and the charismatic bat, as they divided the spoils of their last heist. Both of them had just returned from a great heist that would set them up for the summer, and they were happy in their ignorance. You see, both of them had survived sleeping with thousands of women and somehow managed to not marry any of them, but just recently, they had both made a serious mistake: they'd met another of the obsessive, and had not realized it.

Now, usually, these two promiscuous philanderers would have sex with a woman, realize that she wanted something serious from them, and would do one of the following: let her down gently, threaten her into submission, fake their own death (in the case of Kuronue,) or kill her to keep her away. Whenever they spotted such a girl, those actions were usually the best, in that they were the easiest, which to both of them translated to the word 'best.' However, this time they met two subtles, who secretly obsessed over them without their realizing it. This was what could only be called: divine punishment.

Kuronue woke one night in a cold sweat, falling from his hanging place and flipping to land on his feet. He heard several giggles and 'ooh's as he tossed his hair from the back of his sticky neck, and found himself raising an eyebrow in suspicion.

"Have you heard them?" he asked the darkness, not needing to ask if his partner was up. If anything, the fox had awoken before him. The sweating fox materialized from the shadows, and nodded, earning several more giggles at his transparent clothing. Kuronue could have sworn he heard 'Hooray for hot, Makai summers!' from somewhere in the distance, but he ignored it, and looked to Youko.

"Why are they here?" he asked.

"I don't know." The fox replied.

"Spying to steal from us?"

"I don't know."

"Waiting to ambush us or ravage us in our sleep?"

"Kuronue. I don't know."

"I know you don't, but I'm trying to reason through it." the bat pouted. The fox rolled his eyes, shifting his weight and wiping the sweat from his forehead, earning several more 'ooh's from the bushes.

"Somehow, all of your ideas seem to have perverted endings." the fox stated, gazing off into the woods.

"Oh, come on. Not all of them." The bat smirked, and the fox joined him, and they laughed again, pulling off their soaked clothes and changing to wait for the watchers to move. Unfortunately, they didn't have to wait long.

"Kuronue~!" a woman yelled, leaping out of a tree at the unprepared duo. "I knew you weren't dead!" The pair's eyes widened, and Kuronue realized:

"It's that woman - ah… - what's her name…?" Kurama almost didn't have time to shove Kuronue out of the way of the attacking obsessive, but, unfortunately, consequently pushed them both out of their lair. Instantly, there were unmistakable cries of the thing these two men had always feared the most. They looked at each other, and muttered ion thing.

"Fan-girls." And they were running through the woods, dodging squeals and shouts of "OMG I LOVE YOU!!!" and "TAKE HIS PANTS!!!" and many other things that should not be repeated for the sake of the rating and fear factor.

The two ran from the girls for hours, finally managing to hide in a bar and catch their breath. This was where they met them: the leaders.

"Hey there, you two." the girls greeted, sliding in across from them. Kurama remembered them, and wished he'd gotten their names. They were the ones. The fan-fiction writers, the stalker-callers, and the ones that had gotten the duo drunk and left the two thieves to forget about them. Kurama and Kuronue recognized them immediately, and stood. One of them squealed, and suddenly they were surrounded.

"Shit!" they cried, and ran in fear from the terrifying power those girls commanded, slicing through the remaining fan-girls and running until they could no longer.

"We should be safe here." Kurama assured his partner.

"Don't say anything. They'll hear you." his partner replied before they both fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Title:

Fan-Girls – Mission Impossible: Escape

Episode Two – Hair Cut

"Order up!" Kurama called in flawless Chinese, shoving the bowl forward smoothly to the correct customer. Tossing his tied-back hair over his shoulder again, he frowned at its impractical length. 'Perhaps I should get it cut.' He thought, looking at all of the other men who wore their hair similarly long. 'Or should at least dye it…' He glanced over at Kuronue-the-waiter, who was chatting happily with a pretty girl, though she seemed more interested in the man she was with. Kuronue blended in perfectly from afar, with his hair in a top-knot that had taken Kurama several hours and quite a few vines to style. His hat had been taken hostage for the sake of their safety, and Kurama kept it well hidden. Unlike Kurama, Kuronue would not surrender things to stay safe. It was one of their many differences that was beginning to annoy the fox. Never-the-less, he turned back to the kitchen and continued cooking, as was his current job.

That night, he and Kuronue dined in private, glancing around the room like trapped animals. Kuronue picked at his food, before finally throwing it down and ripping his hair-tie from the top of his head, taking several hairs with it.

"I hate this!" he yelled. "I can't _believe_ you made me wear that _stupid_ hair-style all day!"

"I know."

"After forcing me into the Human World!"

"I know."

"And making me dress like a woman!"

"I didn't make you dress like a woman! You chose your own outfit!" Kurama yelled, dropping his empty bowl and standing with his partner.

"Yeah, but – " Kurama cut him off with a fist.

"Shut up! To remain hidden, we must seem like normal humans!" he argued, kneeling over his friend and taking his head between his hands to force their gazes to meet. "And in order to prove that I'm determined to work this out and survive this threat with you, tomorrow I'm going to get my hair cut and dyed. I will find a way to hide my eyes and yours, and we will pull through this together." Kuronue stared up at him in shock.

"Are you serious?" he asked, incredulous.

"Yes. It's 1959, and I hear this country is stuck in the ways of old. They will catch up to us here before too long. So, I'm going to cut my hair short, dye it black, and then we'll sneak out of the country and travel south to the island of Australia, which is mostly barren desert, like Makai. They will be hard-pressed to find us there, and we will be able to decrease their numbers based on the weakness of many fan-girls' bodies. This is the best way. Do you understand?" Kuronue blinked, shocked and no longer listening.

"But, Kurama… Do you want me to go with you?" Kurama frowned, confused, and opened his mouth to repeat himself before his partner cut him off. "I mean, tomorrow. Do you want me to go to the salon with you?" At this, Kurama blinked, then frowned, and whacked his partner up-side the head.

"Idiot." He muttered, releasing his friend's face and heading towards his room. "I'll see you in the morning."

The next morning, the two went to the salon wearing their disguises. Kurama had inked his hair to the darkness of Kuronue's earlier, so no one stared at them when they entered. Except one girl: the one who Kurama asked to cut his hair. She gaped at him for a moment, and then screamed in horror.

"No! You're Kurama! You _can't_ cut your hair! _You __**can't**__!!!_" she yelled, causing a scene that was completely undesired for the under-cover thieves. But something caught Kurama's attention. She knew his name immediately. He looked at Kuronue, and the two bolted for the door, desperate to escape the squeal that followed them out. Then, suddenly, they were surrounded.

"Shit!" They yelled together, taking to the roof-tops and running like a bat-and-fox-out-of-hell. They ran while changing, and Kuronue ripped his hair-tie out again, throwing it to the wind and distracting at least twenty of those who were following them. The two changed quickly, tossing hair ties and hats back and forth between them and yelling something about having forgotten the plane tickets. The fan-girls didn't care. They were closing in! They were gonna make! They were gonna –

Then the two disappeared right before their very eyes, mid-argument, mid-sentence, and mid-word. They didn't understand! Where were they?!?!

"Whew! That was close!" Kuronue sighed from the starboard side of the boat.

"Yeah. Thank goodness we've had closer before that." his partner replied from behind a fan.

"What? You mean you've almost gotten your hair cut before?!?!" the bat yelled, astonished and outraged. Kurama folded his fan and hit his friend on the shoulder, and they both laughed, happy they escaped this time and wondering what they would do for the next stop.


	3. Chapter 3

Title:

Fan-Girls - Mission Impossible: Escape

Episode Three - The Last Resort Job

"I can't believe they managed to track us that far; those girls have seriously got it out for you, Youko." Kuronue said to his partner as he leaned against the counter.

"Got it out for me? I'm not the one who faked my death countless times." the fox replied, placing his hands on either side of the McDonald's register.

"I can't believe we're in the Human World."

"I know."

"In America."

"I know."

"And working the night shift at McDonald's...!"

"Kuronue. I know."

"I know you know, but still. Can't we work somewhere else?"

"They'd expect it. You know our lovers, and they know us well enough to know what we like. They know you'd never agree to work here, and so that's why we're here." Youko recited, closing his eyes in an attempt to retain his patience with the bat demon as they repeated the conversation for the thousanth time.

The fox opened his eyes as the sound of footfall reached his hidden fox ears; suspicious, he glanced at the clock on the wall over the counter. _1:30 AM. Who's out jogging at this time of night?_ he wondered as a distressed-looking girl burst into the restaurant. Both incognito thieves blinked in slight shock, and then Youko found himself being pushed out of the way by his eager partner in crime.

"Hello. Welcome to McDonalds. Can I help you?" he asked smoothly, almost pleasantly. The girl sniffled, her long dark brown hair covering most of her face as she stared at her tiny shoes that match her small form. She was panting - or was that sobbing? - hard, but managed to get out a few words.

"Very large McFlurry, please."

Kurama and Kuronue exchanged glances, and Kurama went to get the stupid ice cream. Apparently, it had been a rough night. A _really_ rough night. That made her so desperate that she ran all the way to McDonalds for some ice cream? Whatever. Kurama didn't care. He just picked the biggest cup they had and made the stupid McBlizzard or whatever. Meanwhile, Kuronue leaned over the counter.

"You okay, honey?" he asked, handing the shake over to her and waving her away as she fumbled for money. When she looked up, her eyes red-rimmed and confused, he smiled. "On the house." he said, turning on the charm only to be hit by his partner.

"Quit flirting. Remember where that got us?" Kurama asked, leaning down on the counter, as well. The girl giggled at Kuronue's comical expression, and took a bite of her McFlurry just as a revving engine pulled into the parking lot. Her eyes widened with panic, and Kurama acted quickly.

"Hop over and hide. We'll take care of him." he said. Her instantly grateful expression told him that he was winning unintentional brownie points because he didn't want to clean up the blood and get his name splashed everywhere. He rolled his eyes behind her back, and at his partner's pouting, and went back to "working the drive-thru," as was his official job for tonight.

The doors burst open at that moment, and Kuronue smiled.

"Hello! Welcome to McDonalds! How may I help you?" Kurama knew he was being deliberately over-zealous, and rolled his eyes as he adjusted his head-set to a more comfortable position. The boy, who was about six feet tall and smelled of beer, grabbed Kuronue's uniform shirt, yanking him forward, but not quite over the counter.

"You can tell me where the fuck my girlfrend is!" he yelled, making the girl squeezed against the back of the counter flinch in fear. Kurama barely glanced at her before sighing and turning away. Kuronue wanted her. He could handle it.

"I'm sorry?" the bat-pretending-to-be-human asked innocently. The boy growled, and responded.

"When she's upset, she always comes here and gets a McFlurry! Don't test me, lazy-ass night-shift worker!!" The girl grabbed Kuronue's pant-leg at that moment, but Kuronue only smiled.

"Oh! That girl! She ran out that way the moment you pulled up!" he lied cheerily, pointing out the door opposite the one the boy had entered. He looked over, and released Kuronue's shirt, charging out that direction on foot, heading straight for the park's tree-line. Kurama gazed out the drive-thru window, watching him as the trees closed around the offending boy. He smirked. _Simple, foolish boy._ he thought before flipping the microphone of his head-set upwards. _Not even a challenge._

The girl stood slowly, allowing Kuronue to help her up off the floor, and gazed up at her saviour wistfully.

"Thank you." she said, tears beginning to roll down her cheeks as she collapsed into tears. Kuronue caught her, saving her McFlurry and putting it on the counter as she cried into his uniform. "I thought he was going to kill me! I ran away because he climbed on top of me and - " He cut her off by petting her hair and rocking her back and forth.

"Shh, now. He's gone, and won't be coming back, so don't worry, love." Kurama rolled his eyes again, knowing that Kuronue simply couldn't help flirting using his flair for drama. This was especially since the bat picked up the ice cream and began feeding the shell-shocked and helpless girl. She ate willingly, and Kuronue smiling. Kurama decided it was time to leave.

"Oi, Kuronue. I'll be going outside for a smoke." he informed his partner in their code for 'let me know when you're done.' He walked outside, lit a cigarette, and took a long drag, exhaling lazily and looking up at the city sky, which was purple and bare except for a fe wdetermined stars and a sickly, half-eaten moon. Then, a sound reached his ears, and he froze. No. It was impossible. There was no way they could have tracked them here. It was....

Kuronue had her on the counter and half-undressed when Kurama yanked his partner off and dragged him through the back-door.

"What the - " the bat cried before he spotted the first fan-girl. Upon seeing them, she squealed, calling all of her fellows in the area.

"Shit!" they both yelled, diving into the tree-line and running like hell, stripping their uniform and dressing normally as they did, which they were now used to doing. Then, Kuronue took to the sky, grabbing Youko and gaining height, and then they were gone.


	4. Chapter 4

DISCLAIMER: This is probably really inaccurate as far as what was on the menu of Starbucks in 1978, but I like it, anyway. This is the last installment, and is quite serious. I apologize, my readers, but I think it's time for the insanity to end. It's been fun (and a while… sorry.)

And, yes, I went there. This series actually leads into Cannon. That's how absurd I am.

* * *

Kurama waited for the sandwich to heat up as his partner added a swirl to the over-priced latte. Sighing as the microwave dinged, he pulled out the surreal-looking sandwich and handed it over to Kuronue, who handed it to the customer with a smile.

As soon as that person was done eating and reading the paper, he got up and left, allowing Kurama to relax at last. Finally, they were alone. The boss was out. No customers were in. No fan-girls in sight.

"Kurama," the bat began to whine as he began putting out bags of too-expensive coffee for display.

"Yes, Kuronue," the fox responded as he retied the back of his atrocious apron. This shade of green did not suit him at all.

"I can't believe we're in _Seattle_."

"Not again."

"At Starbucks!"

"I know."

"In _WASHINTON!"_

"Kuronue. It's America again. I'm aware. Welcome to 1978, where America has jobs, and _I know our situation._"

"I know you know, but still. Can't we-"

"I will explain this once more and then never again. We are here to escape from our fan-girls. This last move, I will admit, was my fault. I should not have even looked at that girl the way I did. Nevertheless, Kuronue, we are here in order to escape from those girls and this last girl's older brother, who is now acting as a bounty hunter and is trying to track us down." Kurama pinched the bridge of his nose, and tried not to lose patience with his partner simply because he was angry with himself. "We are in _hiding_. I know it's not easy, but just this _once_, could you _please_ try to work with me on this? I'm trying to keep us safe."

"And keep our pants from being stolen." There was a moment of silence during which Kurama felt his eyebrow twitch.

"Yes. That, too." Kurama sighed again, and finally looked up, only to see his partner reclining in a chair, leaning back on its hind legs and balancing without the aid of the table. His long black hair had gotten longer since they'd come to the human world, and his skin had gotten darker. They'd never had to be out in the day this much back in Makai. Even Kurama was beginning to develop a slight tan, though he was still quite pale. His now-officially-dyed black hair was beginning to show damage due to the unfamiliar abuse it had been subject to since they'd gotten here, and his eyes no longer got irritated due to the contacts. Kuronue had finally taken to wearing his necklace like a normal human, instead of swinging it around all the time, and had at last decided to just keep his ostentatious hat hidden on him somewhere. These last nineteen years had been rough.

"We've never had to stay hidden this long before, have we?" Kuronue mused as he folded his hands together behind his head. He was tired of running, like Kurama, but both of them knew that they were outmatched by sheer numbers, if nothing else, and so they had to do what the had to. Never mind that the last year, especially, had resulted in many additions to their fan-base. These American girls were simply too much.

"No, we haven't. Normally, things are cleared up by this time in Makai, and we could go out in public again." Kurama relented, sitting across from Kuronue at the small table and assuming the same position, balancing without aid of a table. Of course, with the chairs being wood, he could easily just make it grow roots, but he had been feeling weak of late, and less spirited the longer they stayed in the Human World. It was taking its toll on him, and he was beginning to think that it was the lack of spiritual energy around them that was causing his depression.

"Kurama, why don't we go somewhere interesting? Like Europe? There's lots of old magic there, so we could at least feel more comfortable."

"We went there last year, and it did nothing but boost their numbers, if you'll recall." Kurama folded his hands behind his head like Kuronue, and tilted his head back, closing his eyes and trying to think. Where hadn't they been in an attempt to hide from the obsessive forces? Indeed, it was as if the girls had a published record of their dialogue. They had even ambushed them in Australia in the fifties. Kurama was still trying to figure out how they'd known. The ship hadn't even been headed there!

"Then how about trying for the deserts again? Maybe not Australia this time. Just somewhere we can sleep safely, for once." Kurama leaned forward, resting his head in his hands as he realized he was at his wit's end.

"There is no place on this earth they cannot reach. Their bodies are strengthening, Kuronue. I'm beginning to wonder if we can even find a place to go, after this." Kuronue leaned forward, as well, joining Kurama at the table and lifting his long-time partner's head up, forcing eye-contact.

"That's no way to be talking, Kurama. Worst-case scenario, we'll go back to Makai and kill them all there. The humans can't follow us to that place, and the youkai will stand no chance against your traps." He touched his forehead to his foxy companion's, and took a deep breath. "I didn't let you cut your hair short for nothing, you know. We can't let it go to waste." Kurama smiled at that, eventually allowing it to turn into a laugh, which was joined shortly by his partner, who had never failed to cheer him up.

"Damn it all. Let's help ourselves to some of this ridiculously over-priced coffee, shall we?" Kuronue smirked at that.

"Now that's more like it." And he got up to make some coffee. Taking a deep breath in hopes of relaxing, Kurama pulled out a cigarette. To hell with these pitiful humans and their rules about smoking on the job. He lit the cigarette.

"Hey, light me one, too." Kuronue said as he sat, pushing Kurama his coffee. Kurama obligingly did so, and the two took long drags and held it in for as long as they could, daring the other to let it out first.

Fortunately or unfortunately, they released their breath at the same time, declaring the tiny match a tie. Kurama smiled in remembrance.

"Do you remember that girl who was so impressed that we couldn't get high back in the sixties?"

"The one who never figured out that it was because you had subjected us both to every poisonous plant under the sun? Yeah. What was her name, again?"

"I can't quite recall. She was funny, though."

"It was a pity she had to fall victim to those plants." They smirked at each other and drank their over-heated coffee. Had they been human, it would have burned them to the point of temporary numbness, but to them, it was simply hot. Kurama remembered sending the Venus Flytrap after her on the premise that, 'since girls were from Venus, they should return there cheerfully.' It had amused him greatly.

"And do you remember that one girl who had an obsession with taking good care of your hair?" Kuronue shuddered. "She was creepy. All gothic and shit. Even dyed her hair black and straightened it with an iron all the time. Remember her occult obsession?" Kurama recalled. She had met her end vampirically, as he'd taken his whip to her in order to stop her obsession. She had been passionate, that one.

"Had a thing for crows." Kurama added, nodding. "I'm glad we got rid of that one, at least."

The bell on the door jingled, and the two put out their cigarettes, calmed now that there had been a pause, if a small one, in their increasingly-hectic lives.

"Welcome to Starbucks. How can we help you?" Kurama asked, facing the familiar face and then stopping, frozen. It was _her_. His most recent fascination. Which meant that her brother was not too far behind.

"Kurama!" he heard before a gun went off, breaking Kuronue's necklace and allowing it to fall to the floor as the second shot rang out. Blood was drawn.

"Shit!" Kurama yelled as his partner fell to the floor directly behind him. Kuronue had been protecting him. The fox fell to his knees, seeing the bullet wound in his chest as it dyed that awful green into an awful brown-black. The bat was gone. The gun cocked.

The thieves were dead.

For now.


End file.
